


Love is three baby steps forward and one leap back

by traumschwinge



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Character in Denial, Developing Relationship, Erik can't cope with feelings, Erik has Issues, Gay Mutant Road Trip, Insecurity, M/M, Tiptoeing around each other, Towel Porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-08 22:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/traumschwinge/pseuds/traumschwinge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erik and Charles had been on the road all day. And half the night. Erik is so tried he would kill, not for a bed but simply an save opportunity to park their car and then doze of behind the wheel. So when they finally reach a motel, he doesn't protest when they only get one room, a room with only one bed. He could deal with that after a full-nights sleep. Or so he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a friendly reminder that as an author, I'm a cock block.

Erik was glaring through the windshield. He was long past staring at the road and hadn't really looked at anything in front of their car for hours. All he could do by now from keeping his eyes from falling shut and dozing off was keeping his gaze fixed at the passing roadside vegetation, or what little of it he could make out in the darkness, and drinking coffee. He was so tired he was sure he would collapse immediately if his concentration slipped from focusing on staying awake and at the same time had drunk so many espressos that he was also convinced that he would never sleep again.

From what he could tell Charles was dozing happily in the passenger seat, after having lost his battle with sleep quite a while ago. At first, Erik had hated him for that, but when he had turned his head for a second to demand Charles to stay awake Charles had looked so adorably he'd forgotten about it.

Besides, having him sleep was definitely better than being distracted every other minute by Charles' very cute sleepy yawns or the way he rubbed his eyes when he noticed that he had dozed of for a moment. At that stage, Erik hadn't been sure whether or not they would make it to the next motel without him hitting something on the way with all that distraction. He just hoped Charles hadn't picked up the very inappropriate thoughts he had been having when Charles had stretched and his cardigan and shirt had both rode up far enough to reveal a thin strip of pale skin.

Erik gripped the steering wheel tighter. It couldn't be very far to the motel now, he told himself. Just a few more miles and he could fall into a soft but not too soft bed and sleep. He just shouldn't imagine that bed in too much detail just now. He was on the edge of falling asleep without imagining falling asleep. Another cup of coffee would be nice by now. His last had been more than five minutes ago.

A truck passed them on the other side of the street and not for the first time this night, Erik was very thankful that his powers warned him before his eyes could, thus giving him a bit more time to react. He would kill for an opportunity to sleep by now. Too bad there wasn't anyone in his vicinity he could murder and seize their bed.

“Don't think something like that,” Charles mumbled from the passenger seat. “I'm sure we will find a place to sleep soon. There was just a sign saying that the next motel is in about two miles.”

Erik very pointedly didn't watch as Charles yawned and stretched and he mustered all the willpower he had left and that wasn't occupied with keeping him awake not to turn and watch those bleary blue eyes blink at him. “Why not?”he grumbled. “It's either that or a bed. I could use another coffee.”

“I'm afraid we're out of coffee, my friend,” Charles yawned, shaking the bottle to prove his words. “You just have to hold out without it for another few minutes. I assure you you can.”

“If not, you'll wake me, right?” Erik grumbled. He wasn't even awake enough to be frustrated about the lack of coffee anymore.

Charles shook his head. “If not, then I doubt I would be awake myself.” He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. To his shock, Erik could suddenly feel a warm hand on his thigh. But before he could quite process what was going on, Charles squeezed his thigh lightly and said, “Look, there it is, finally.” Just as Erik could make out the badly lit sign of some run down motel in the middle of nowhere.

Erik barely managed to maneuver their car into the parking lot and then, when he had parked it, considered briefly just to sleep here in the car, but Charles had already gotten out and just opened the door—when had he moved?—and that didn't leave Erik much of a choice but to get out and stumble after Charles towards the still lit office. Erik barely listened while Charles talked to the receptionist, who just looked them up and down and then passed a key over to Charles. Charles was about to protest, but Erik was too tired for this and simply put the money down on the counter, took the key and dragged Charles out of the office and to the room. They could figure out the awkwardness of this later, after a whole nights sleep for all Erik cared by now.

Entering the room, Erik almost thought this over again, but he was still too tired to think too much about it and if he would go over to the office again now, he was sure that it would end in bloodshed. And Charles would approve of that a lot less than of sharing a room—and a bed—with a very tired Erik for a single night. In the two steps it took Erik to cross from the door to the bed, he managed to discard of his jeans, jacket and turtleneck, so he could instantly collapse onto the bed and crawl under the covers.

Charles closed the door after him and locked it, before he too walked to the bed, shaking his head at Erik already in bed, before he walked around it to the other side, where he took his time undressing. Erik watched him, but now in bed every second keeping his eyes open took him more effort. He saw Charles discarding his cardigan, then unbuttoning his shirt. By the time Charles turned to strip out of his jeans, and thus presenting his backside to Erik, the audience had already drifted off into the fluffy realm of fatigue. Charles rolled his eyes as he crawled under the covers himself, keeping as much space between them as the bed would allow. He didn't want to make Erik uncomfortable after all.

–

Erik woke to the feeling of two arm arms wrapped around him from behind and an even warmer chest pressing against his back. For a few moments he thought he was still dreaming, having an especially vivid version of the dream he's been having ever since meeting Charles, about how they had met in the freezing water. He had been not as warm as it felt now, but that didn't matter much to Erik right now. He closed his eyes again and tried to have a few more minutes of sleep.

Of course, that was just when his mind decided to wonder why Charles had his arms wrapped around him. And then, very slowly, remembered that the receptionist had only given them one key and that he had been too tired to argue with that. Charles hadn't protested either, which was good. And now they were lying in the same bed and Charles was spooning him, which was even better. Still, Erik wondered a bit about the why. He could barely remember lying down. On what had happened afterward, his mind was completely blank.

Erik placed one of his hands over Charles resting on his abdomen and tentatively stroked it. Then, he held his breath for several seconds, listening to Charles gentle breathing for any signs of the other waking. When there were none, he continued to stroke Charles hand and arm, feeling content and oddly happy about this whole situation.

Those feelings didn't last long enough for Erik to muster enough interest in them to take a closer look at them. Much too soon, Charles stirred and Erik went still. For some long, awkward moments, Erik wondered how much Charles had noticed of what he had been doing. Then, he quickly thought about something else, lest Charles picked something up of his thoughts or feelings.

Charles arms around him disappeared almost instantly, leaving Erik much colder and a lot less content. Suddenly, there was a vast distance between the two of them and Erik had no idea how to cross it. He hated himself for putting more meaning in Charles pressed up against him in bed as there was. They'd just slept side by side and Charles' had subconsciously cuddled up against a source of warmth. That was all there was to it. There was no other explanation.

“Oh, Erik, I'm so sorry,” he heard Charles babble through the static noise that suddenly filled his ears. There followed a lengthy excuse from Charles that he couldn't hear, he could only see those much too red lips move, those blue eyes gone wide in shock. Erik stumbled to his feet. He needed a break from this. And, most likely, a long and cold shower.

He mumbled some excuse himself and fled for the bathroom, leaving a baffled Charles behind. He did his best not to think about the hurt expression in his friend's bright blue eyes.

–

It took Erik a long, very cold shower until he felt able to face Charles again. This just wasn't right. He should neither be this nervous about a random happenstance like this nor interpret that much meaning into it. He was almost certain that he would like to wake up like this every morning for the rest of his life, but then again Charles had always that effect on people that made them instantly like him and Erik was sure he wasn't an exception. Not that all this staying together like this forever thing would ever happen. Not even ever so forgiving Charles could possibly overlook the fact that they were both men.

When the hell had he started to think about Charles like this? No matter how hard he tried to put a date on that he failed. Maybe as soon as they had met. Maybe when Charles had told him that he knew all about him and still had offered him his friendship. It confused Erik to no end that anyone could be that trusting but then again, even though he didn't want to admit it, Charles really knew what made people tick. It just didn't make much sense to Erik that he didn't stay away from him as far as possible if he knew everything about Erik.

Erik finally stepped out of the tiny shower and took one of the motel's own towels to dry himself off. He took his time with the task, welcoming it as an opportunity to occupy his mind with something else. Not that it was an especially interesting task. But he'd never really concentrated on letting the towel rub over every single square inch of his skin.

He started with his arms, out of habit, but then continued with his hair to stop it from getting his upper body wet again, even thought he usually would have saved his hair for last. From there, he went on to toweling off his shoulders, his neck, then down his chest, moving the terry cloth down his sternum and then following the bow of his lowest rib to his side, to rub up again from there, feeling every single rib so well he could have counted them. Instead, he wondered who on Earth should think of something this skinny as attractive.

Banning the thought from his mind, he moved his hand back onto his chest, not wasting any more time drying his pectorals and nipples as strictly necessary. He followed the same path down on the other side as he had taken up, this time not thinking about his ribcage. He dried his sides with quick, efficient motions, trying to use this experience to figure out how he could do this better in the future.

Toweling off his abdomen was no big deal, there wasn't much hair growing there save for the thin strip starting a finger's breadth or two below his belly button, which was the only place he took a little bit of time now, pushing the towel in with his middle finger and twisting it slightly, hoping that he would at least get the majority of moisture out of there.

Next, he gripped the towel by both ends and rubbed his back. He had no idea how this worked out but he felt drier so it must have some effect at least. After that, he moved on to his legs, drying the left one down and then moving up on the right one until he was back at his hip. There wasn't much water left that he'd needed to towel off by now, the cold water evaporating and leaving behind cold skin. Erik sighed and for a short moment, he thought that he'd heard an echo of the noise from the room.

As for his behind and between the legs, Erik made it as shift as he could. He'd never understood why anyone would take much time for toweling that part and had a lot of experience in making it quick already. Then again, if it wouldn't be himself he was drying off but Charles... Erik groaned in frustration. And here he'd thought he had those thoughts back under control.

As fast as he could, he got himself dressed again, suddenly craving for Charles' presence again. Or really, anyone's would do, just as long as he wasn't alone with his—currently still very inappropriate—thoughts. This was not happening. He tried to swallow down the feelings forming in his chest. He wasn't suddenly getting emotionally attached to anyone again. That didn't work out, his whole biography was a series of proofs why he should never be emotionally attached to any living being. Especially not beings as loving and trusting as Charles.

He walked back into the room to find Charles still on the bed, looking at him with wide eyes and flustered cheeks. His lush red lips were parted slightly and he looked a little bit disheveled and out of breath. Erik stared at him. Had he missed something?

Erik blinked at Charles like that alone would provide him with a satisfying explanation. When none came, Erik asked, “Are you alright?” He just hoped this wasn't what he had first thought it was. It would be incredibly awkward if he'd just walked in on the man he would have to spent at least some more days alone in a car with masturbating in the bed they'd just shared for the night.

Charles gulped and nodded, awkwardly smoothing the blankets beside him—why hadn't Erik noticed his hands above the covers before? “Of course I'm alright, Erik,” Charles then answered. The usual winning smile reclaimed his place on his lips. “Did you use up all the hot water?” he causally went on as he pushed himself up from the bed to stand up and collect his clothes. “Because you sure spent quite some time in there and I'd hate to shower cold.”

Erik shook his head, before he remembered that Charles, who had just bend over to pick up his jeans, might not see that and need an audible answer. “No,” he said, his voice sounding a bit more hoarse than he would have liked. “I showered cold.” He was still looking at Charles, who was taking much too much time collecting his clothes in Erik's opinion, and then could only barely stifle a sigh when his friend straightened up again and turned to walk over to him. Charles stopped right in front of him, almost too close. When Erik looked down, his eyes instantly found Charles' deep blue ones. Erik's breath caught. It would be so easy just to bend down and kiss Charles when he was this close, it would be so easy to drag him over to the bed and do anything with him that would come to their minds.

Instead, he forced himself to keep on breathing and occasionally blinking.

“Erik,” Charles breathed, looking as flushed as Erik felt himself.

It would have been so easy to bend down and capture these red lips in a kiss. Maybe, Charles wouldn't even struggle against him. Maybe, and not even Erik seriously believed that, Charles would even like that. Erik shook his head to get rid of that trail of thought. He wasn't that stupid that he would ruin the first real friendship he had formed in decades by giving in to a momentarily whim.

Suddenly very aware that he was simply blocking Charles path, he looked away and stepped aside, oblivious to the bright blush on Charles' cheeks as his friend rushed past him into the bathroom. Erik collapsed onto the bed, wondering what the hell was going on with him. He really needed to socialize more. That might help. What didn't help was how much the whole bed smelled faintly like Charles. Erik let out a groan and rolled around. How would he ever be able to survive the rest of their road trip back to Virginia?

–

By the time Charles reemerged from the bathroom, freshly washed but again dressed in yesterday's clothes just like Erik, Erik himself had calmed down enough to study the leaflets of different restaurants and diners lying on the tiny table. To his horror he had learned that they'd both slept until noon. At least that explained why he was as hungry as he felt.

“Found anything?” Charles asked, sitting down on the bed next to Erik and snatching the menu he had been reading from his hands. Before Erik could even protest the theft, Charles had handed it back to him and got up again. “That sounds good. I'm hungry as a hunter.”

Erik simply nodded stiffly. It wasn't like he wasn't hungry himself, but somehow, he had the feeling that Charles was avoiding him. But he could be imagining things in his own overall confusion. Anyway, dilly-dallying wasn't an option here, was it? They were stuck together no matter what and there wasn't a way for him to run that wouldn't leave Charles stranded here in a small town in the middle of nowhere.

So Erik got up, snatched the keys from the nightstand and said to Charles, “Let's go!” before heading out of the door, leaving it to Charles to either follow him or be left behind. For once, he was glad that they'd been too tired to get their suitcases out of the car on the night before. Less to forget.

When he was finally seated in the car, key already in the ignition and ready to drive, he remembered that he should be waiting for Charles and, to his horror, that he was acting both unreasonably and weird, even by his own standards. If Charles was bothered by that, he didn't complain, though, as he slumped down onto the passenger seat and slammed the door shut behind him.

The short drive to the diner passed in silence, neither of them feeling much inclined to start a conversation. Erik could tell from the way Charles worked his lower lip between his teeth that he did want to say something, but he didn't dare to ask. Just when Erik pulled into the parking lot of the diner, Charles finally murmured, “I'm sorry that I did make you feel uncomfortable.”

Erik parked and then turned his head. He still felt like blinking at Charles, but parking the car hadn't needed that much attention that he couldn't use the time to think as well. So he asked, “How, exactly, do you think that you did make me feel uncomfortable?” Because Charles hadn't, he really hadn't, and Erik had to focus right now not to project that thought, not to project how he had really felt this morning, waking up with Charles' arms around him. Erik just hoped Charles knew that anyway.

Charles looked at him with wide eyes. They were sparkling slightly with confusion and something different, which could have been guilt. Erik was fairly certain that his friend was just about to say or do something utterly stupid. So Erik did the only thing he could think of. He pulled the keys from the ignition, undid his seat belt and got out of the car.

By the time Charles caught up with him, Erik had already reached the doors. He held it open for his friend, carefully avoiding looking him in the eyes. He followed him inside, to an empty booth in the corner. Charles sat down with his back to the door and most of the room, leaving the place from where one could see most of the room to Erik. Erik wondered if that was Charles being considerate of him or just coincidence mixed with habit. Either way, he was glad Charles had done so.

Charles waited until he was seated, before he started to speak, “You have been avoiding me all day.” He had looked at Erik until that, but now was beating down his eyes, studying his own hand lying on top of the slightly greasy table. “Ever since,” Charles sighed. “Ever since I woke up cuddled up against your back and I'm so-”

“Don't,” Erik snapped. “Don't say you're sorry.” He shook his head. “Not for something you didn't do willingly. I understand.” He sighed himself. “Things like that happen.” This wasn't what he'd wanted to say at all. But what he'd wanted to say he never could, never would. Not until he was very sure of Charles reaction to it. And maybe not even then. Charles shouldn't be sorry for it, Erik wasn't, so there shouldn't be a problem.

Before any of them could say anything more, the waitress appeared by their table, coffee in one hand and pen and notepad tugged into the pocket of her apron. “Coffee?” she asked, rather disinterested. When they both nodded, she filled them a cup each, before she put the coffeepot down and fished the notepad out. “Anything else I can get you?”

Erik merely huffed. Didn't she notice that she had been interrupting something? But Charles ordered some fried eggs and bacon and, even though he didn't care what, Erik wanted food himself, so he gruffly told her that he wanted the same. He was thankful when the woman hurried over to refill some cups.

“That wasn't very nice,” Charles chided, but he didn't look angry, more like he was amused.

Erik merely shrugged. “I'm never very nice.”

That made Charles chuckle softly. “That, my friend, seems to be true indeed,” he said smilingly. “But I don't mind.”

“You never seem to mind anything much when it comes to me,” Erik noted, making himself look straight into Charles' eyes for what he wanted to ask next. He took a deep breath and lowered his voice, “Charles, are you gay?”

Charles didn't wince. He didn't outright deny it, did not laugh at Erik for having such a ridiculous idea. In fact, he didn't react like anything Erik had expected. Instead, he merely blinked at Erik for some seconds, like he had a hard time processing the question. Just when Erik was about to repeat the question in case Charles hadn't got it the first time, Charles shook his head. “Is this was today's been about?” he asked. He looked at Erik, the omnipresent smile returning to his features. “If that really bothers you, my dear friend, I can assure you that I'm not gay.”

Erik let out the breath he hadn't known he'd held as he leaned back, relaxing slightly. So Charles wasn't gay. That was good, wasn't it? He was supposed to call it good, right? So he said, “Oh.” before remembering that that wasn't a whole sentence and added, “That's good.”

Charles looked at him like he wasn't sure whether to believe his words or not. Erik wished he knew himself. But at least, it made things less awkward between them now. Charles sighed and leaned back, running a hand through his floppy brown hair. They both stayed silent for some while longer, both struggling for words to say. Erik briefly considered something along the lines of 'It would still be okay if you were' but dismissed it. No need to pressing the subject after Charles had clearly said that he wasn't gay. Having their food brought to them and thus having an excuse to carry on with the silence made Erik feel very glad. He was already feeling stupid for asking in the first place.

That was, until Charles suddenly asked, “What about you then?” He seemed curious more than anything else. “Are you gay?” He said it quietly and in the direction of his eggs rather than to Erik, like he was almost afraid of asking. Erik couldn't blame him for it.

Erik wanted to instinctively deny it. But the memories from the morning kept him from that, forcing him to at least consider the possibility instead of simply ignoring it like most of his more personal problems and issues. First of all, there was Charles. And he could, he really could picture himself spending the rest of his life by his side. Well, okay, in a world where Shaw was ancient history, but still. Thinking about sleeping with him though... he tried and failed. Maybe he could do that. But he didn't know. So, that meant the liking man side of being gay was a 'maybe', at least as far as Charles was concerned.

On the other hand, he'd never had any trouble considering women to be exciting and arousing, so... He shook his head. “I'm not gay,” Erik concluded. There was no reason to tell Charles the whole story. And besides, Raven was indeed quite a looker, just like her adoptive brother and...

“Are you just thinking of my sister?” Charles interrupted his trail of thought. “Naked?” That sounded almost like a gasp. Charles glared at him. Not that it should have much effect on Erik. Charles' glares made him look like an angry puppy at best.

“To my defense,” Erik held up his hands. “She was also blue.”

Charles snorted. “Yeah, I might have noticed.”

Erik grinned. “Did you really?” He was so glad for the change of topic that he couldn't even be righteously angry at Charles for spying. “I'd rather assume you didn't look any closer as soon as you saw her breasts.”

Charles rolled his eyes. “Like I've never picked up any thoughts about them before,” he huffed. “I just didn't take her for your type.”

“So.” Erik leaned forward, to bring himself closer to Charles and looked him straight in the eyes. “And what, pray tell, would you take for my type, if not her?”

Charles shrugged. “Someone older, maybe?”

“She's not much younger than either of us, is she?” Erik was only assuming this, but from what he had heard about the sibling's common past, she couldn't possibly be as young as she looked.

“That's not the point,” Charles denied. By now, they had both finished their meals and were nursing the last sips of coffee while they waited for the check Erik had hailed for just now.

“Then what is the point, Charles?” Erik wanted to know as he paid for both their meals and their coffee.

Charles shrugged his coat back on and together they walked to their car. “You have seen so many things, you have experienced so much, shouldn't you be going for someone with an equal amount of experience?”

“Maybe I like to spoil things,” Erik grinned when they got inside.

Charles snorted. “Yeah, right, Erik Lehnsherr, the one who likes to spoil young, pliable minds.” He shook his head. “That doesn't suit you at all.”

Erik turned the key in the ignition but didn't leave the parking lot just now. Instead, he turned to Charles, his expression serious. “Wait, when you said someone older, with more experience, did you, by any chance, mean yourself?”

Charles turned his gaze away, suddenly looking insecure. “Well, or somebody like myself at the very least,” he murmured. Then, he let out a soft groan. “You know, at times like these it's very hard not to look into your mind.”

“You just looked into my mind to pick up that picture of Raven in all her blue, scaly beauty,” Erik remarked, grinning with his all his teeth. He steered the car onto the road.

“That's not the same,” Charles protested. “You were almost projecting it. Like you'd wanted me to see it.”

“Maybe I did,” Erik commented. And he had, at least in a way. He had wanted to show Charles that he wasn't gay, that Charles hadn't anything to fear from him. But now, if he'd just heard what he'd thought he heard, this was just a way to see Charles all flustered and nervous. He drove back in the direction of the motel. “So, Charles, was this just now an offer?” He made himself sound causally, but in truth he was gripping the steering wheel so tight it hurt.

“No,” Charles immediately snapped, before he let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, yes, maybe, if you want it to.” He looked so hopelessly lost that Erik just had to touch him. So he placed his hand on Charles' knee and squeezed lightly and, at least he hoped so, reassuringly. They had almost reached the motel again.

They didn't say a word until they were out of the car and back in their room. Oversleeping had meant that they would have to pay for another night anyway, so they could as well stay, in Erik's opinion. He was glad Charles seemed to agree with that.

Closing the door behind them, though, was like casting a spell. Or maybe relieving a curse. Two things happened at once. Charles grabbed Erik by the front of his turtleneck and used it as a leverage to pull Erik down into a kiss. At the same time, Erik wondered if he just had made a serious mistake.

That didn't stop him from kissing back, though. Almost instinctively, he had parted his lips slightly when they had come in touch with Charles'. His arms wrapped themselves around Charles' smaller body, one around his shoulders and the other around his hips, pulling them closer together. Erik relied on it that he could do this on instinct, without any thinking involved. Thinking, he was sure, would mean panicking.

When they pulled away for air after a while, Charles looked up at Erik. His lips were redder than Erik had ever seen them before, with a wet gleam from the kissing. Looking into Charles' eyes, Erik's breath stopped for a heartbeat or two. The pupils were dilated so wide only a thin rim of vibrant blue remained. Only the ache in his chest remembered Erik that he needed air. Charles looked so incredible like this.

Erik kissed Charles again now, bringing their lips together again almost forcefully, licking and carefully biting at Charles'. They stumbled towards the bed, Erik couldn't be sure whether it was him pushing or Charles pulling that set them into motion. Next thing he knew, Charles had made them switch positions and pushed him down onto the bed. Erik's breath caught again when Charles climbed on top of him, only to capture his lips once again.

They were both panting by now and Erik started to wonder if Charles expected him to undress one of them by now. His hands were still around Charles, roaming over his back without any real goal or plan. Charles own were rather busy though, tugging at Erik's turtleneck and trying to get it off him. Erik went with it, groaning lowly when Charles started roaming his hands over his chest, tracing a few scars and then one hand started to move down south in slow, circular motions. Erik closed his eyes and let his head fall back on the mattress. He moaned, a little louder than the groan before. And then, Charles' fingers closed around the bulk in his trousers.

Erik went very still. Suddenly, his own breath sounded to loud in his ears, his heart beating too fast and still feeling like it was accelerating. He was glad he was lying down already, because his head had started to spin. His eyes were screwed shut and his jaw clenched as he waited for the touch to end.

The touch ended almost immediately. “This isn't working for you, is it?” Charles whispered. Erik could feel him shifting away from him, was sure that Charles wanted to get to his feet and leave and he couldn't let that happen, not now, not after he had screwed up so badly. So Erik did the only thing he could think of, pulling Charles down by his watch and into his arms, holding him close. Erik hadn't noticed it at first, but he was shaking.

"It's okay, it really is, sorry, it's not your fault," Erik mumbled, just as Charles said, "I'm sorry, it's okay, I shouldn't have, really, what was I thinking?" They stopped almost at the same moment as well. When they looked at each other, they both started to laugh. Erik felt like a giant piece of granite had been lifted from his chest when they did. His eyes burned with yet unshed tears. The things Charles did to him. He should be embarrassed, not mortified and amused at the same time.

For a while, Erik simply held Charles close, made sure that he was still there, with him, by his side. If he hurt Charles with his grip, Charles didn't say anything. As Erik's grip started to loosen, though, Charles wriggled himself free and crawled further up the bed, making himself comfortable on the cushions, before he motioned for Erik to join him.

“Ah, this is much better,” Charles sighed, when Erik was lying next to him,their shoulders touching, but not really cuddling now. Erik was close to panicking again when he heard that. Did that mean that Charles didn't want to cuddle anymore, because Erik still wanted to and he would want to try more again eventually, maybe, if Charles was still willing to. Charles must have caught up some of those thoughts, because he wrapped his arms around Erik's neck and kissed his nose. “It's okay, my friend, it really is,” he whispered. Their foreheads were touching as Charles looked him in the eyes.

“Do you,” Charles whispered. He licked his lips before he continued, a motion Erik followed with almost too much interest. “Do you want to talk about this?” He motioned between them and then down. “I mean, you don't have to, but I still like to know. Was it too much?”

Erik shot him a lopsided smile and shrugged. “I don't know,” he sighed. “Maybe. I mean, it was an awful lot in an awfully short amount of time.” He choked out a laugh. “Don't get me wrong, Charles. You're...” He pushed some stray strands of hair out of his face. “You're an incredible kisser.”

“But?”

“But... I guess I'm not ready for … well, more?” Erik ventured, suddenly very insecure.

Charles nodded. “I see.” He watched Erik closely for a moment or two, making Erik feel uncomfortable again. But he was smiling and that was a good thing. He looked so sweet Erik almost wanted to kiss him right away. Only the memories what kissing would eventually lead to kept him for doing so.

Charles touched his lips with two fingers, then looked down at his fingers, before he put the fingers against Erik's lips. Without even really actively processing it, Erik breathed a kiss against the pads of Charles' fingers. This caused Charles' smile to grow softer. Erik was almost certain that it was contagious, for he was smiling himself.

“So,” Charles ventured. “Kissing is fine with you? Just kissing, I promise.” He thought about it for a second, before he added, “And tell me when it gets too much so I can stop.”

Erik nodded. “Kissing is fine,” he said. He brushed his lips against Charles' in a chaste kiss. “I think I rather like kissing you.”

Charles laughed his soft, melodious laugh. “And I think I rather like kissing you too,” he said, bringing their closed lips together for another loving peck.


	2. Chapter 2

Erik woke the next morning lying on his back, with Charles curled up against his side. Charles' arm was outstretched over Erik's chest and his breath brushed over Erik's naked skin. They were both naked, but not entirely so as Erik had feared during the first seconds after waking up and discovering that he was cuddling with a sleeping Charles. They still wore their shorts, as if they were enough to maintain a sense of decency. They weren't, but they did make Erik feel better about all of this. It was still strange to him.

Yesterday had passed much quicker than Erik had an idle day expected to. He wasn't used to just relax and do nothing all day long. He hadn't in a very long time. But then again, they hadn't done nothing, had they? Even though they'd left the bed only a few times and never the room, ordering take-away food for dinner eaten on the bed, they had been somewhat busy.

Charles had proven himself to be an incredible kisser. He'd obviously a lot of practice or so it seemed to Erik, who, even though he was neither a virgin nor without any sex drive himself, just hadn't had enough time or ambition to look for something else than a night or two without any strings attached. And even those had been rare lately, when he had spend so much time chasing after Shaw.

The kisses were something, Erik was sure he would never forget, no matter how long he lived. The way Charles' lips had felt on his, the way Charles' tongue in his mouth had sent electric shivers through his whole body, and how Charles teeth had felt, brushing over his lower lip and tongue. The memory of the noises Charles had made after a while, when Erik had tentatively started to move his hands over Charles back and sides and chest, was still enough to make Erik blush. He wondered if he could ever look at Charles without thinking about it. Well, if he didn't, at least they would suffer it together.

Erik wove his hand through Charles' soft brown locks. The redness of Charles' lips had always fascinated him, even on their first meeting. He'd never imagined that they could look any redder than that, any more kissable, any more perfect. How wrong had he been. Wet and bruised from kisses, they weren't of this world. And he couldn't stop kissing them when they looked like that. Not that he'd wanted to stop kissing Charles for quite a while yesterday. He still wanted to kiss Charles and wouldn't mind being able to kiss him for the rest of his life.

But eventually, there had come the point when they had moved on from kissing. It was only natural, Erik told himself. He wasn't sure who had started it. He hadn't noticed at first, how their hands slowly moved further down, not until his hand was on Charles' ass and he'd marveled at its shape and firmness. The moan in his ear had sounded so loud. And he'd still not let go off Charles. Like this, with him in full control of all that was happening, he could do this, he had told himself. Even though he loved, really loved Charles.

He had found himself on top of Charles eventually. And still they had been kissing. Erik had still enjoyed it. But he had felt his own panic rising and every time he had been about to stop, he'd gulped it down. He hadn't wanted to disappoint Charles yet again. So he'd even forced himself not to go still when Charles' hands roamed over his belly and not even when one of them moved further down. All Erik allowed himself was to hold his breath.

He didn't know if Charles had noticed and was just kind or if Charles had lost his interest in satisfying Erik himself. But Charles had touched him only once and then he'd pulled his hand back again, had let them fall by his sides on the mattress. He had closed his eyes and whispered in a voice hoarse and creaking with lust, “Do whatever you want, Erik, it's fine with me as long as you like it.”

So Erik had done what he wanted, had done what he'd thought Charles would like. Had exploded his friends' body with his lips, hands, his tongue. Had searched for every single little place that made Charles gasp and moan and those little sounds in between. He had taken his time before he'd moved his hands between Charles' legs and had wrapped his fingers around him.

The memory of Charles' scream sent a shiver down his spine every time Erik thought about it. Which had been quite some times since last night. He had never thought he could get this hard from a single noise alone. He had noticed that Charles had pulled fistfuls of the covers, but he hadn't thought anything about that. Now, he suspected Charles might have done so because he hadn't want to accidentally touch him.

Having Charles like this in his bed—their bed, which was even more unbelievable to Erik—having him in his hands, having his lips on his body, had seemed right straight out of a dream to Erik. Not even when he had started to stroke the pulsing dick in his hands, making Charles moan even louder, had he been able to tell whether it was a good dream or a nightmare.

It hadn't even lasted that long, from what Erik recalled. Thinking about it, though, he could still feel how Charles had pulsated in his hands, the way he had shuddered and even his arms around his shoulders when Charles had finally let go of the sheets and wrapped his arms around him. Erik hadn't minded that. At least, he thought so. He wasn't sure that he hadn't stilled at that moment for an instant.

He was almost positive that they had cleaned up afterward and hadn't spoken much, not even when they were back curled up in the bed. Erik wasn't sure if Charles was angry or disappointed with him and he didn't dare to ask. It had also felt quite good to lie next to each other, content with only being close to each other and bathing in the others warmth.

And now, he didn't want to wake Charles just yet. He actually enjoyed having Charles' head rested against his chest, Charles' arms loosely wrapped around him. He liked watching Charles sleep, as creepy as that thought sounded to him. He liked feeling, seeing the light lift and fall of Charles' chest, he liked the flutter of Charles' eyelids when he was dreaming.

But he also liked to rank his fingers through Charles' soft brown hair and that seemed to wake Charles. It took Charles a while to fully wake up and Erik enjoyed watching it. The way Charles stretched the arm that had limply rested over his body at first, before snuggling closer, taking in deep breaths of Erik's smell made Erik almost wish that he could wake up like that every morning. A few moments later, Charles slowly turned his head up and blinked at Erik.

“Good morning,” Erik murmured.

“Good morning,” Charles purred back. A smile appeared on his lips, making Erik want to kiss him all over again. As if he'd picked up that thought, Charles stretched up to press a small kiss on Erik's lips. “You don't mind this, do you?” he murmured then, his bright blue eyes peering into Erik's, searching for any sign of discomfort on Erik's side.

Erik quickly shook his head. “I really don't,” he said, smiling a little, before he leaned down himself and kissed Charles back, properly this time.

“We shouldn't spend another day in bed,” Charles purred in between kisses, but he showed no inclination whatsoever to stop. Instead, he pulled Erik even closer to himself and managed to slide his tongue inside Erik's mouth. Erik gave into that kiss, ignoring what his friend had just said. There was no reason to hurry.

That was, until he remembered what they had actually been doing driving across the country and picking up other mutants, most of them barely more than kids, before he had been distracted with kisses and Charles' hands roaming over his back. Still, he did not yet pull back from Charles. A few more minutes wouldn't make any difference.

And then a few minutes more, and another few, until the minutes would turn into hours. He knew how this could happen. This was what had happened on the day before, the first time he'd ever let himself get distracted that much. The things he let Charles do to him.

But he hadn't to let this happen, he knew he could pull away and tell Charles that they needed to go. That also would get them out of bed and away from things he didn't want to happen. He could tell what Charles was hoping for. The thing was, he could also tell that he wasn't ready for more than what they had done yesterday. Better to get out of bed than to disappoint Charles even more. He had no idea how much more patience Charles would have with him. It couldn't last forever like this.

With one last, reluctant kiss, he pushed Charles away from him, barely enough to look at him. He had put one hand on Charles' cheek and was stroking him there. “You're right,” Erik said after a long moment during which he had lost himself inside Charles' eyes. “We shouldn't waste another day. Let's get going.”

It took him much more willpower than he would have liked to let go of Charles and get out of bed. Their clothes were still scattered everywhere. Most of his things were easy to find, but one of his socks required hunting down. By the time he'd found it, Charles was out of the bed as well.

They were getting dressed in silence, however, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. They didn't need to speak and Erik was content with silence when there wasn't a need for words. Apart from that, it wasn't that often to have silent moments with Charles. The only times he could think of Charles not speaking was when he was sleeping—or feeling distressed.

Erik glanced over to his friend, watching him buttoning his shirt. He didn't strike Erik as distressed. But he could be wrong. Maybe it wasn't just him feeling not a hundred percent comfortable with what had happened yesterday. He just had no idea what to do to ease any tension. That usually wasn't his concern, making others feel better or helping them to relax or lessening any anxiety.

Instead of anything he wanted to say, Erik simply asked, “The next mutant you wanted to talk to was just a few miles further, right?” He remembered perfectly well that it was the next town they were headed to. But he still wanted Charles to confirm that, to break his unusual silence.

Charles simply nodded. This was enough to make Erik feel nervous. Had he acted so wrong yesterday? Should he have played along with Charles, should he just have given in and followed the flow of things? But it had felt more wrong than right when he had been touched and he couldn't have let him, not even Charles. He trusted him, as far as he trusted anyone, maybe a fair bit more, but that wasn't enough. He even wanted him, but that as well wasn't enough. He'd stopped believing in love a long time ago. He knew that feeling was fleeting as mist and about as concrete.

All that still didn't stop him from stepping up close to Charles as soon as they both were dressed and as good as ready to go. He put his hand on Charles' shoulder, before he realized that this created a distance he didn't want there and slid the hand down Charles' arm, squeezing him first, then stroking. He rested his forehead against Charles' to look him into the eyes. “Anything amiss?” he whispered.

He watched Charles look away for a heartbeat. But it was so brief he couldn't be sure. He'd almost forgotten about this as soon as their eyes locked again, when he felt Charles ever so lightly lean against him. “No,” Charles answered. He cradled Erik's face in his hands and pulled him into a kiss. It was chaste and slow and just right to let Erik feel save for a second, even believe deep down that he was safe. Here, with Charles.

“Come on now,” Charles murmured when they pulled away after a while. “Let's go.” He patted Erik's arm, before he stepped away and turned to the door, leaving it to Erik this time to follow him.

–

Visiting that mutant was a complete waste of time in Erik's opinion. She was nothing more than a kid, a nice girl with a nice family, living in a nice neighborhood and having nice friends. Definitely not the kind of mutant they were looking for. They wouldn't take a kid away from his or her home. So they didn't even talk to her.

In fact, they didn't talk much at all. They hadn't talked while they were driving there, save for a short exchange when Charles gave closer directions. They had only spoken a few words when they decided not to approach the girl. And they hadn't spoken at all while they were driving on until nightfall.

Erik hadn't minded that much at first. It was still weird to him that Charles could stop talking for more than ten minutes at a time, and while it wasn't unwelcome at first, it got Erik riled up more and more with every passing hour. By noon, when they were watching the high school the girl was attending to confirm they wouldn't talk to her, he was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. In the afternoon, he was letting a coin orbit the gear shift just to keep his mind occupied with something else than just mindlessly driving down the road.

He was already only a moment away yelling at Charles for the slightest misstep. However, all Charles did was looking everywhere but at Erik, mostly out of the window. And that unnerved Erik even more. Still, he had to force himself not to yell. The tension between them was getting to him and he would need an outlet soon.

The main problem, in his opinion, was that he didn't know what exactly he had done wrong. Or what he could have done to make Charles upset with him. Things hadn't been perfect yesterday, he would readily admit that. But none of that did warrant Charles' current behavior. He hadn't started it. And furthermore, he hadn't even asked for it. He had been content with being nothing more than friends, even though a friend was already more than he would have asked for.

So, in short, there was no reason why Charles should be mad at him at all.

But he still was and that was enough for Erik to slam the car door shut with far more force—and possibly the help of his abilities as well—than strictly necessary. Charles didn't comment on that, just shot him a look before he walked over to the office to check them in. Erik waited by the entrance while Charles handled everything.

He regretted this as soon as he heard Charles asking for two single rooms. Unintentionally, he clenched his fists. He quickly stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket. This wasn't the place to get really angry. For all he knew, the woman behind the counter would call the police if Charles had asked for a double room. Not that it was likely, but Charles probably had a better insight on this. It just was hard to trust him on this right when he felt like they should have a fight.

Charles wordlessly handed him a key. He was still silent when they got their suitcases out of the car and in silence they walked over to their rooms. Erik was close to just yank Charles around to him by his watch and push him up against the nearest wall. Yell at him out here in the open, yell at him until he told him what was wrong. Charles would hate him for it, he knew he would, but he'd still liked to.

Instead, he followed Charles to his room. He could tell from his body language that Charles didn't want him to come inside, but Erik preferred to ignore that. He also ignored Charles attempt to slam the door into his face and stopped it by the metal doorknob about a hand away from his nose.

“You won't just leave me alone, will you?” Charles sighed. He sounded exasperated.

“No, I won't,” Erik said flatly. “So can I come in or do you want me to make a scene right here and now?” He could have sworn that Charles flinched at that.

“It's not like I could do anything to stop you,” Charles sighed as he stepped back and gestured inside.

They both knew he could, if he wanted to. Erik was aware that all it would cost Charles to change his mind was a bad consciousness and maybe a headache. And he would never know about it. Sometimes, he was really grateful for Charles' morals and rules he had set for himself.

Erik followed Charles inside the room, closing the door behind him. Charles sat down on the edge of the bed, looking up at Erik who made no move to sit down as well. “What do you want, Erik?” Charles sighed. He was hunched over, his lower arms resting on his tights, hands folded, blue eyes staring intently at Erik. “I'm tired.”

“I'm tired as well,” Erik hissed. “I'm tired of you showing me the cold shoulder. I'm tired of you being angry or what ever it is you are and not telling me what the fuck I did do wrong or what has upset you. I'm tired, Charles, of you getting me confused like this. And it frustrates me.”

Charles simply glared at him. “And how, do you think, should I be acting with you?” he hissed.

Erik raised his hands and let them fall again, helplessly gesturing. “I don't know!” he yelled because that was something he could do and he really needed the vent. “Not like this. Tell me what's wrong!”

“What's wrong?” Charles hissed. He was glaring at Erik now and just barely not yelling. “Can't you tell, Erik? Say, what do you think is wrong?”

The door knob and some of the drawers near Erik started to rattle but none of them paid that any attention. “I think you seduced me and now you're regretting it because...” he hissed. He felt so stupid for falling for Charles. That he had let himself being seduced so very easily. He had thought that this might lead to more. But apparently Charles had decided that it wouldn't work out for them.

“I'm regretting it?” Charles leaped to his feet. “It's not me who's regretting anything! It was you who hated it when I touched you! You don't want me to get my hands anywhere near you. It's like your flight instinct kicks in whenever I touch you.”

“I-” Erik was about to deny all of this outright but stopped. “Have you been spying my mind again?” he snapped.

“You know fully well that I don't do that with friends!” Charles snapped back.

“Well, but I'm not exactly your friend!” Erik glared at him. “Or are you telling me that you do this” he vaguely gestured between them “with all your friends?”

“You know what, fuck you, Erik,” Charles hissed. “If that's what you think of me, then FUCK. YOU.” He was yelling just as loud as Erik had been by now. “Get out of here! Right this instant!” He was standing close now and Erik was sure if he didn't move, Charles would push him. But he could take that risk. He was fairly certain that he could physically overpower Charles any time.

“I won't leave until you tell me what the fuck's your problem,” Erik growled back. He had braced himself for being shoved away, maybe being yelled at some more. He hadn't been ready for finding himself back in his room, alone.

His first instinct was to storm out and confront Charles again. He felt angrier than ever. He wasn't even sure if he should still consider Charles his friend. Friends didn't just brainwash other friends to leave them alone. He hadn't even reached the door before it occurred to him that Charles could simply do this again and he wouldn't even know. Or could something else, like making him forget about all of this once and for all.

For a second he considered it. At least it would put an end to this situation. He wouldn't need to worry about Charles feelings for him or the lack thereof. He wouldn't need to question the attraction he felt for his first friend in years. His first male friend, even though he wasn't sure if that did make things worse for him. Charles making him forget about the past two days could end his confusion. He could start telling himself again that even if he was attracted to Charles in more than a platonic way, that Charles didn't feel the same way. That Charles didn't want to kiss him just as much as he did.

Forgetting the past two days would also mean to forget how it felt to kiss Charles. With a sigh, Erik sat down on his own single bed which suddenly seemed too cold and too lonely for him. If he knew one thing about the whole affair then that he didn't want to forget that. And if he knew anything else, than that he should figure out what he'd done for Charles to be angry at him and then apologize. Or, well, maybe not apologize but at least talk to Charles about it.

The only problem with that plan was that he had no idea what he had possibly done wrong.

Erik ran a hand through his hair. Let out another sigh. Lay back down on the bed, feet still on the ground, to stare at the ceiling. He had always found that staring at solid walls did help him think, though he suspected that neither the wall nor the ceiling were as solid as he had been used to from Europe. His mind was wandering off topic. He had to focus.

What had Charles hissed at, no, said to him? That it wasn't him who's regretting what had happened between them but Erik. But how, why would Charles think that. Erik knew he should be logical about this. Go through his actions and see what had went wrong. There had to be something. What he really had to do right now, however, was to swallow down the anger at Charles for not simply telling him this morning.

Erik didn't regret what had happened. In fact, he would regret more if it had just gone on like it had before, him fighting with Charles now or not. Nothing was as bad or even worse as the feeling of insecurity. At least now, he knew that Charles liked him, liked him enough to kiss him and even sleep with him. And he liked Charles as well. Enough to kiss him back and to want to sleep with him as well.

Maybe he should tell him so.

The only question was if Charles would even want to hear that. Erik sighed. In hindsight, there were a few things he regretted saying to him. Well, okay, maybe, just maybe he shouldn't have said anything of what he'd said. Especially not suggesting that Charles would just go to bed with anyone. Now, he felt like shit, no matter that how Charles had behaved the one time they'd gone to a bar together before backed him up there.

He could just leave this alone, he thought. It would be for the better. He shouldn't be attracted to another man in the first place. It was just as well that it didn't work out for them in bed. It would spare them a lot. Now, he could stop wondering how it would be for the two of them and instead could remind himself that it didn't work out, that attraction didn't mean that he should pursue Charles, that they should be together. It would be the best if he'd just undress himself and go to sleep.

Then again, Erik had never been one to do what he should be doing. Which was why instead of being sensible about this and spending the night telling himself that he was simply not compatible with Charles in the bedroom and being friends was the best option, or at least better than trying to be lovers, he got up and left his room. At least Charles had picked two adjacent rooms.

He could have simply unlocked the door with his powers, but he deliberately choose to knock and wait for an answer. He knew that it would be less likely for Charles to send him away immediately if he acted nice. He waited so long for an answer that he was about to knock again. It was possible that Charles hadn't heard him the first time.

_Go away_ , he heard Charles' mental voice inside his mind. _We should both try to get some sleep_. It didn't sound much like a suggestion, more like something that could turn into an order that could not be acted against if he pushed Charles any further. He was fully aware that Charles could change his mind without much effort, he just needed to remind himself of that occasionally. He tended to overlook that fact most of the time. Being around Charles felt too natural and right to worry about his powers all the time.

Which was why Erik didn't turn around and didn't walk back into his room to go to sleep. Because he cared about Charles' friendship more than he'd cared about anything in a long time—aside from killing Shaw, that was—he let the sorrow and worries and grief he felt about them being at odds like this cloud his mind and carefully pushed the whisper of those notions in Charles direction, in direction of the place in his mind where he could feel Charles, comforting him, anchoring him, saving him from the worst of his own anger without ever intruding his mind for all Erik knew. And he trusted Charles that he didn't, at least most of the times and not once since they had become something like friends.

Charles' answer sounded very much like the mental equivalent of a sigh. Erik could have cheered if he had been a person who did that. _Does that mean I can come in so we can talk?_ , he carefully thought the words and send them to Charles, wrapping them in what he hoped was a hopeful feeling and maybe the air that he wouldn't be mad if Charles said no. And he wouldn't. He knew he wouldn't be mad at Charles. He would hate himself for forcing Charles to turn him down. But he'd never be mad at Charles for turning him down. At least not like this.

_Come in_ , Charles answered after a while. _I take it I don't have to unlock the door myself?_

With a flick of his wrist, Erik unlocked the door and stepped inside. The room was dark. He could feel Charles watch on the bedside table, the metal cold as if Charles had taken it off a while ago. “Did I wake you?” Erik whispered as he found his way through the dim room. He almost feared he had. He should have stayed in his room and just sleep, he told himself.

“You didn't wake me,” Charles answered from the direction of the bed. Erik briefly wondered if it was okay to sit down on the bed but then decided against it and remained standing close to the wall, with his back to the door even though that made his skin crawl. “I couldn't sleep,” Charles admitted eventually. “Why aren't you in bed? You have been driving all day, you should be tired.”

“I couldn't sleep either,” Erik answered. That he hadn't even tried went unsaid. “Listen,” he sighed. “What I said to you before... I didn't mean it. Most of it, at least. I just... God, Charles, have you any idea how much you confuse me? How angry it makes me that you're able to confuse me like this?” He dragged his hand through his hair and let out an exasperated sigh. “I wish I knew what to do about this,” he confessed in a low voice, meaning his feelings.

It was a vile thing to say and Erik knew it. He knew what he felt and he shouldn't turn away from this feelings but he couldn't help himself but to hope that he would, one day, forget about these feelings. He wasn't supposed to feel like this for another man. There were so many explanations why he felt like this and why those feelings would pass eventually and yet he couldn't bring himself to believe any of them, couldn't hope for any of them to be the truth.

“You could come here and tell me what exactly it is that confuses you about me,” Charles proposed. In the dim light, Erik could see him sitting up in the bed. He was relieved to see that Charles was wearing a t-shirt. This was awkward enough for him as it was. Charles in only his shorts or less would only make it worse. Like this, stepping closer to the bed wasn't that bad, never mind that Erik would come no matter what if Charles called out for him.

Erik sat down on the foot of the bed. He didn't sigh, even though he wanted to. He had no idea what to say to Charles that wasn't the very obvious 'this would be so much easier for me if you were a woman'. He caught the thought as soon as he noticed it and tucked it safely away so Charles hopefully wouldn't find it. That was about the worst thing he could imagine. He wasn't a teenager anymore. He shouldn't have to agonize over feelings this much anymore. And it shouldn't matter anyway because he liked Charles just the way he was and didn't mind his gender nor his looks nor the way he acted and talked and, oh god, he really was sounding like a thirteen year old girl, even in his own mind.

“I like you,” Erik muttered, low enough that he could hope for Charles not to hear it.

But of course Charles heard him anyway. “I like you too, Erik, so now what?” he said, his voice betraying that he must be smiling. Erik resisted the urge to jump to his feet and leave. It grew less urgent when he felt a wave of comfort wash over him and helped him to clam down and relax. He looked at Charles, his eyebrows drawn together but then he smiled and muttered, “Thanks.”

“I shouldn't like you like that.” It felt good to put this doubts finally into words. It wasn't fair to tell Charles so, but he deserved it and it was possible that Charles had know that even before he said it, that he'd thought this so many times.

“But you do,” Charles said, sounding almost like the little voice in his head that always told him so whenever he thought about this. He shifted closer, close enough that he could touch Erik if he wanted to but refrained from it for now. “Do you want to do anything about how you feel?”

Instantly, Erik glared at him. “No,” he snapped. The word escaped his mouth before he could stop himself. It made Charles' smile grow a bit wider. Now, Charles touched him, lay a hand on his shoulder and said, “Don't worry, I won't. I... I just needed to hear it out of your mouth.” With this, he squeezed Erik's shoulder lightly. “I could do it, if you'd really wanted it. But I won't if you don't ask me for it.”

Erik couldn't help himself but the lean into the touch, only a little but it was enough to steady himself and make himself ask the question he really needed answered now. “So we're good?”

“That depends,” Charles answers and Erik could feel his heart drop before Charles went on, “Do you think we're good?” Erik nodded. Of course they were good when it was his decision alone. He'd never wanted to be at odds with Charles in the first place. Again, Charles squeezed his shoulder again. “Then promise me one thing.”

“Anything,” Erik whispered because he felt that was true, even though he knew that he'd reacted much too quickly.

“Trust me,” Charles said, removing his hand from Erik's shoulder only to stroke lightly up and down Erik's upper arm. Erik barely felt the touch. “All I could ever ask of you is to trust me, Erik, even just a little bit would be enough. If it's true what you just said, I need you to try to trust me. I know it's hard. But promise me you'll try.”

Erik wanted to say that he did trust Charles, that he never had trusted anyone this much in ages but he knew that this wasn't true. Charles wouldn't have asked him for this if he hadn't thought it necessary. Erik swallowed dryly. “I don't know if I can,” he murmured. “But I'll try.” He took Charles' hand and kissed the knuckles softly.

“That's all I ever asked,” Charles replied. “So... Would you let me hug you?”

“Why do you even ask?” Erik pulled Charles into a hug. “You know I wouldn't say no.”

“I know.” Charles rested his head against Erik's shoulders. Why he'd still asked he didn't say. What he did say, though, was “Stay the night. If you want to, you could stay. I won't mind. And I won't do anything if you don't want me to. I just want to know that you're there, next to me.”

Erik didn't know if this was a good idea, in fact he had the distinct feeling that this was in fact a really bad idea. He couldn't, however, bring himself to leave Charles here and return to his room. So he kicked of his shoes and let Charles drag him down onto the bed, never mind the jeans he was still wearing. Suddenly, he felt very tired and very, very comfortable, comfortable enough to fall asleep almost as soon as Charles had wrapped his arm around him after they had lain down.


End file.
